I’ve been continuing to devour the articles and comments that have sprung from Melissa Wiley’s original patience post and her latest post in this series. Last night I stayed up late following links and catching up on new comments, and today I made a list of books suggested by readers before heading out to the library. I checked out How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk, Playful Parenting by Lawrence Cohen, and Kids Are Worth It by Barbara Coloroso. Other suggested books that I want to eventually read are: Raising our Children, Raising Ourselves by Naomi Aldort, Alfie Kohn’s Punished By Rewards, and Ellen Langer’s The Power of Mindful Learning, Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles: Winning for a Lifetime by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka.
We’ve been cycling through some really difficult patches with discipline since M turned 4. She’s strong-willed and precocious and willing to test almost any boundary, but I know that a lot of the problem lies with me. I’m also strong-willed. I anger easily. I’m overly volatile, and I like to be in control. We’re a lot alike in these ways, but these are habits of mine that I don’t want her to pick up. I want her to be better at soothing herself and settling her emotions so that means I have to do better myself.
I’ve tried several traditional discipline systems like 1,2,3 Magic and they do help, but I’ve had a hard time being consistent with them. I’m wondering if we need something radically different, and that’s a scary proposition for me. I’ve always thought of myself as a “mean mom” meaning that I want to have a home with traditional discipline and obedient kids. The idea that M might be more obedient if I demanded less instead of more is appealing but also frightening. I’m afraid that if I let go of nagging and scolding and demanding things will only get worse not better and that she will become one of the wild undisciplined savages I imagine might come out of homes following the most radical of “unparenting” philosophies. I know I’ll never be that radical but letting go is something I do easily in any aspect of my life. But when I read these words of Melissa’s: “One day, about a month ago now, I just stopped. Stopped scolding or nagging or lecturing.”, I wondered what would happen if I did it too.
My husband, who has also been a believer in traditional discipline, sent me a link to an article recently that challenged parents to try going a week without giving any punishments. Initially I scoffed thinking that couldn’t work at our house, things would fall apart. But now I’m rethinking. Maybe I could try it for one week. We’ve certainly had bad weeks when I was using punishment. One week cannot make or break our family’s future, can it?
[…] ten years and four children later. Don’t all our children deserve a schmanking now and then? Here’s another nice post at In Need of Chocolate with a roundup of many of the books people recommended in the patience post comments, plus a link […]
As the author of the “Take a week off” essay, I am curious as to the outcome. If you do take a week off, don’t hesitate to drop me a line about it (or right about it here – you’re a really good writer)… Good luck!
I will definitely write about it here and email you to let you know. I’m glad you enjoyed my post! I’ll definitely need the luck 🙂
I’ve gone (over a period of about 16 years so far) from a Mean Mom (although I never meant to be one) with set ideas about School-at-Home, to a fairly Patient, fairly Radical, pretty much Unschooling Mom, and the difference in tone and motivation in our house is amazing.
I’m sure you’ll find the path that is right for you!
Deborah
Thanks for linking all the books in one place. I look forward to reading about your punishment-less week! 🙂
Deborah, thanks for the encouragement!
Kristin, you’re welcome for the books. I love making and having book lists – a whole subject of my list fetish 🙂
Thanks for compiling the book list. It’s very helpful
I’ve also enjoyed Lyssa’s patient parenting as well. It came at the exact perfect moment in my life. The reason it was the EXACT PERFECT MOMENT? I just finished reading Parenting Towards Solutions. I really needs to make the list. I’ve read all the other books on the list, but had let this one sit on my book shelf. On day in desperation, I picked it up. The clouds lifted, my grouchies disappeared and I found tools and resources within my children and myself that I didn’t know existed.
Nope. I’m not making any money on it, but I should take up stock because I have all my friends buying it. It’s my new ‘baby shower’ gift.
In a nutshell, it says ‘don’t look at what is happening when there is a problem. Look at what is happening when the problem is absent.’ So worth a read. It changed my relationship with my hubby, my children, my mother, my friends, myself! Go read this book. Please. 😉
Ann
Thank you SO MUCH for putting all these books in a nice post!! Can’t wait to check a few out at the library this week. I’m re-reading How Children Learn by John Holt, it’s SO good! Blessings to you!
Ann, thanks for the book suggestion. I’ll put it on my list!
Meredith, I’m want to re-read Holt’s book too. It’s been several years since I read it – back when I was a teacher and not yet a mom.
[…] by Melissa Wiley to begin pondering a more patient and respectful form of parenting. I’ve read and pondered and experimented, but I’ve yet to find what I need to fully make the shift in […]