Even though I’m in the middle of a few other books, I started reading Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves by Naomi Aldort when it came in the mail because I wanted to see if it would be useful, and it has been though I disagree with part of the underlying philosophy of the book. I think Aldort takes the idea of giving children control of their own lives too far. I do believe that parents should have authority to require certain behaviors from their children like chores being done, going to bed on time, etc. In her introduction,
Aldort says that asking how to get the child to do chores, stop a tantrum, etc is “‘making’ the child do what the parent wants; the child has to give up what she wants, which is giving up on herself.” I do not think that asking a child to clean up her room so that she and a sibling have room to play the next day and her toys don’t get lost in the disarray is overly controlling. Children cannot have everything they want nor do they always know the best choices for themselves. While she makes this statement in the introduction, Aldort does talk about putting limits on children in other places in the book. In fact, the thing I like least about the book she doesn’t seem consistent in what how defines as taking control away from a child.
That being said, I have found many things in the book useful like her suggestion to consider your reaction to a child’s behavior and let your initial thoughts, reactions, feelings play in your mind like a movie, giving you a chance to see how they will play out and whether that is the interaction you really want to have. She suggests that our initial reaction is typically just a recording that gets set in our mind, not the way we’d truly like to respond. I’ve read similar ideas before, but the way she phrases it and the particular examples of putting this into action have been helpful for me. I’ve been able to stop myself from yelling or scolding after playing through my reaction several times in the last few days. And stopping to think has also allowed me on many occaions to see that M wasn’t actually doing what I thought she was or intending her words or actions they way I’d interpreted them.
I would recommend the book to anyone wanting to take a more gentle approach with their children. Even if you disagree with some of what Aldort says, I think you will still find some gems of advice while choosing not to follow her other suggestions.
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